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Sins of the Father

I saw him...laying there.....totally powerless. His breathing was so loud you could hear it across the room....labored breathing, like every breath was a struggle for him.

laying there, breathing hard....grabbing his chest when it hurt....clentching his teeth and crying out from the pain.

he was helpless against the pain. the same way i was helpless once.....

the man in pain is my father. and I am his sin.

my mom went to planned parenthood to get a pregnancy test, it came back positive. the people at planned parent hood tried to get her to have an abortion.....but thats another story.
then she told my father. he was probably suprised when my mom told him that she was pregnant. he was probably angry...."how could this happen to me?"

he probably wondered if they should be married. he wondered what this little halfbreed bastard child would look like.

.....a few years later.....

i was scared....he's coming home from work....and he's angry. here he comes in my room....the look on his face is evil.....just evil........he grabs me by my arm and throws me on the bed. hit after hit after hit on my back and my butt......i beg him to stop.....i yell and beg him to stop.......but he doesnt.....he only hits harder....and then harder and harder......

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the next morning mom comes in my room with tears in her eyes. she dosent say anything as she grabs me and puts me in the car. we drive for a long time and then arrive at my cousins house. i am happy to see my cousins and play with them.....but my back is alittle sore..........

........a few years later.........

im so tired....all they do is fight. now mom talks about divorce. she kisses me and tells me to be strong. i will.
she hugs me and tells me not to cry. i wont. in fact, i will never cry again....
she holds me and tells me to hold all my feelings deep down, so nobody will ever see them. i do that very well.

but there is no divorce. she just cant leave her man. she will never leave her man....and i dont know why.

....a few years later......

the doctors say he isnt doing so well. he's already had one heart attack, and is in danger of having another. then he needs surgery....and even the doctors are worried. so the surgerey is postponed for now.

so he lays there, in bed. writhing in pain. only feeling pain.

he feels pain the same way he gave me many years ago.....i couldint escape him back then, and now he cant escape the pain. i was afraid of him back then, and now he is afraid of the pain.

the circle is finally closed. the circle is complete.

wa'do oganallii